hwell, basically, it means I have had enough. I've had enough of all these Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder meltdowns, I've had enough of my inability to pay attention or stay focused on ANYTHING for more than five minutes at a time, no matter how hard I try.
What I will not mention for sure though, to my dear future psychiatrist friend, is my ED. It's just a part of me that I'm not ready to let go of yet...perhaps in the future when/if I learn to control my OCD and my mania for order I will reevaluate that. But probably not. Hunger (hah) for order and control doesn't just go away - which is why if I allow myself to eat "normally" I end up freaking out and being depressed for like a week straight, but if I starve...I'm strangely happy.
Right now I'm wearing my favorite pair of dark turquoise Forever 21 jeans. I forgot what size they are, I don't even wanna know. What I do know, though is that they used to fit so much looser. Well maybe not that much. But, they were indeed very spacious! Now they're snug. The waistline is still loose, but my thies (the FATTEST part of me) are very much filling in these jeans nicely. And by nicely, I mean like a f**king fatass. Literally. Fat Ass.
Lol. I just wanna laugh at myself.
Then vomit.
Today my mum decided she was gonna get up "early" (as in two hours after I do, heehee) and that she wanted to eat breakfast out. F. F. F. F. F!
Strangely enough, breakfast is my favorite meal to eat in a restaurant, especially when it's very early. I love the dim light that slowly gets brighter and brighter as you look out the restaurant window.
That said, "all" I ate was an oily stupid egg white omelette with tomato slices on it, then I left all the sides for my mum dear.
I though that would keep me full throughout the day, especially since that was the biggest meal I had had in a long while, but boy was I wrong. I ate a stupid piece of bread, then a WHOLE stupid banana, and *drum roll please*.......my worse f**king nightmare.....ladies and gentlemen....I introduce to you.....a piece of CHOCOLATE!!!!!
*Boo sounds that overlap with cheering sounds*
God I'm so damn weird.
And the only exercise I did today was an hour of dance, and walking for ten minutes. Bleh. At least it was pretty hardcore - literally, since we did enough ab workouts to make my abs feel like they're bleeding!!
Mk so that was my day.
Any words of encouragement pleaze?? :P :P
Sorry for the super-long post, BTW.
I FREAKIN LOVE YOU ALL.
xox, ~ Miana
PS: Coming soon: I'm going to add a new Thinspo page to my blog, partially comprised of real original pictures taken by me, all blurred out and stuff. I'd really appreciate it if you skinny beautiful people would send me some links? Comment below or email me, or Facebook me (link at the top of the side bar). Byez!
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I'm feeling the need to vomit right now too.. i j went out to dinner w my family and ate an unnecessarily large meal. i'm so disgusting sometimes. ugh. but we can get through this,right? tomorrow's another day, and we can start over :)
ReplyDeletewell at least it was breakfast so you had most of the day to burn it off, and chocolate is my worst nightmare. i just had some, fml. but tomorrow is a brand new day to eat nothing.
ReplyDeletegood luck on the evaluation!
stay lovely. <3
I totally get what you say about loss of focus on anything that takes more than 5 minutes.. it's frustrating, really
ReplyDeleteYour cals are still pretty low on the day... maybe higher than normal, but DO NOT let it knock you down into binge mode! You're doing great girl, keep it up! Look forward, not back ;)
ReplyDeleteI know I have already commented in this post but I just want to thank you about your LOVELY comment!
ReplyDeletereally, it made me smile :D